The allure of pampered women—known as sugar babies (or "kept women," if you’re feeling fancy)—continues to captivate curiosity or, depending on one’s moral compass, raise eyebrows. In recent years, stories about young women turning to sugaring as a way to fund their college education, acquire luxury items, travel, pay off debt, supplement low-paying jobs, purchase real estate, or start businesses have gained popularity. These mutually beneficial arrangements with wealthy older men often provide an escape from financial struggles. In return, the men enjoy the companionship of a beautiful young woman, along with eventual access to sex, a sympathetic ear, and emotional support. However, this dynamic can take a toll on sugar babies, especially when dealing with a demanding or mercurial benefactor.
While I’ve often dated men significantly older than myself and shared humorous exchanges with friends lamenting their need for a sugar daddy to ease financial burdens, I’ve never had the patience to entertain such an arrangement myself. That said, the lifestyle has always intrigued me. I’ve specifically wondered about the number of millennial Black women choosing this path to achieve accelerated social mobility and how successful they are in cultivating a lavish lifestyle with a wealthy and powerful sponsor. I found my answers in spades through online communities, sometimes referred to as the "sugar bowl." These spaces provide (occasionally) safe environments where young women anonymously share their experiences as companions to wealthy older men, exchanging valuable tips and personal stories. Within the sugar bowl lies a distinct subculture of young Black women offering one another support, advice, and encouragement—because, like most other social hierarchies, the world of sugaring is far from immune to racial dynamics.
At 22+ (and as young as 18), some of these women have
already positioned themselves to be, what can only be described as, modern-day Azealia Banks quoting, Lana Del Rey admiring, lower-to-mid-tier modern
courtesans. In my mind, they've probably used Leidra Lawson's Sugar Daddy 101: What You Need to Know If
You Want to be A Sugar Baby or Baje Fletcher's A Go(a)l/d Diggers Guide, as blueprints to transform themselves
into well-manicured and coiffed vixens. They've taught themselves the basic art
of gentle coaxing and negotiating, speak the lingo of the sugar bowl, and have
figured out how to stand out in a dating pool where Black women aren't always chosen.
Some have learned (after extended periods of trial and
error) how to get the money and perks they want without ‘getting got’ by their
older paramours; many of whom are mercurial and prone to quickly becoming cold
and detached as easily as they become
enamored of their sugar babies- (without warning or explanation), and have
outlined a painstaking list of rules to help sustain their lifestyles for as
long as they can – most of which revolve around careful grooming habits and
affecting certain social graces.
Veteran babies are emphatic about novice sugar babies
adhering to the advice they offer in the bowl, for safety reasons and to
maintain the reputation of the sugar subculture. And the golden rule of thumb
seems to be: to never sell themselves short or entertain the advances of what’s
known as a Salt Daddy or Spenda Daddy– men who don’t have the
resources, charm, or influence to spoil the objects of their affection, but
will play their hand anyway to no avail; because a well-versed sugar baby has learned how to spot a Salt or Spenda Daddy a mile away.
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| Marlo Hampton and friend |
Most interesting, is that some of these women get their
financial rewards without ever having to meet their POT (potential) sugar
daddies in person or sleep with them. Many of these men are happy to oblige and
welcome the opportunity to simply interact with an attractive young woman and
see her flourish in her chosen endeavors or college. Perhaps a large part of
that must do with ego; the self-satisfaction of knowing they helped a young woman
finish her degree or start a business. In addition to financial tributes, these
sugar daddies purportedly serve as mentors and offer guidance, money management, career, and business advice, allowing them to lord over a young
woman's life, like a silent investor of sorts.
One popular young Black baby in the sugar bowl wrote of how
one of her sugar daddies hipped her to proper corporate protocol and helped her
brush up on her relational skills: “[Name redacted] has been helping me correct
my southern language and perfecting my conversational skills. He is always
quick to correct my speech. It does get annoying at times. And when we’re
talking, he makes sure I give him eye contact. We go over how to properly shake
a hand a few times too.”
While these women plaster snapshots of their bounty on their
anonymous blogs as proof of their shopping sprees and cash allowances, some
espouse certain tenets of third-wave feminism, a bit precariously at times,
when it suits their agenda. One constant, however, is the emphasis on the
importance of consent and maintaining full autonomy over their bodies, to wit:
making the ultimate decision as to whether sex transpires between them and
their benefactors and not being coerced into relations; although holding out
for too long could result in a sugar daddy losing interest and moving on to
someone more willing to accommodate his needs.
As intriguing as these contrived relationships seem, I must
note how a few of the young women seem to find validation solely in being desired
by much older, connected white men; and sometimes conflate, or will flat-out
lie about their racial identity to endear themselves to white POTs, and, at
times, don't always appear to live up to the confident posturing they convey in
their online personas, despite claims to the contrary. But I suppose I should
chalk that up to the politics of sugaring and the emotional toll some have
admitted it takes on them, particularly when they're competing with other women
to be the most spoiled.
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| Actress Tika Sumpter in a scene from The Haves and the Have Nots |
Being looked after by a wealthy man isn't as simple as
erroneously labeling a woman a ho', sugaring does straddle the line between
sponsorship and being the spoiled young paramour of an older, wealthy man and
escorting; and can, in some ways, technically be considered sex work, so some
sugar babies will supplement their sugaring income with becoming a cam-girl, or
will make the transition to becoming a full-fledged escort – as many find the
cut-and-dried transaction of escorting minus the stress of needing to cultivate
trust and jump through proverbial hoops with a sugar daddy for a monthly
allowance, much easier. And still, being an escort or cam-girl certainly
doesn't negate the experiences of those black sex workers navigating the
intersections of race, gender, trust, financial smarts, and safety.
Reading the personal narratives shared by these young Black
women has revealed the sugaring lifestyle to be a bit more involved and
exasperating than I initially believed it to be. At the risk of being outed and
targeted on popular online forums, especially if they gain an online following,
Black sugar babies chart the trials and tribulations of finding wealthy and
willing older benefactors in this ever-evolving tech and social networking age;
wading their way through profiles on sites like Seeking Arrangement, Sugar
Daddy for Me, WhatsYourPrice, and even Craigslist; some of the more confident
seekers freestyle offline. They also grapple with whether to
divulge information about their relationship(s) to close friends and family,
who may take a morally superior stance against their lifestyles.
And what of the generous Sugar Daddy who’ll gladly fork over
cash, but will make racist jokes and say racially insensitive things in the
company of his young Black paramour? One sugar baby expressed disdain for a
man, who, right off the cuff, solicited her for sex via an inbox message (on
one of the sites), without any discussion of an arrangement. Then proceeded to
assail her with racial epithets when she rebuffed him: “I wish I had the
patience to post half of the dumb ass messages I get on [SA]. One guy called me
a nigger yesterday after I called him out on wanting a just sex arrangement,"
she lamented on her blog.
As glamorous and lucrative as the sugaring lifestyle appears
to be (I think many of the women in the sugar bowl distort their lifestyles and
personal success stories), these are the sorts of issues Black sugar babies
contend with and it presents somewhat of a conundrum for young Black women who
would rather brush off the indignity of being disrespected and abused and go
along, to get along, just to maintain their newly acquired standard of living.
Admittedly, I find that kind of denial, naiveté, and willingness to let racism
and abuse slide disturbing and disappointing.
For some, getting chose finding a sponsor at all can prove
to be an exercise in futility because of racial barriers. Sometimes being Black
doesn't fall under the list of preferences for some potential sugar daddies,
and for many young women looking for a leg-up, a Black benefactor won’t
suffice, as there seems to be a stigma attached to Black sugar daddies. Some of
the reasons I read were: Black men are too cheap and turn out to be Salt or
Splenda daddies, they remind some of the women of their fathers or male
relatives, affluent Black men usually only want young white or Latina women as
arm candy, or Black POTs over-inflate their income. But let’s be real; when
Black women and non-black women (or even men) of color think of gaining access
to money, institutional power, influence, connections, and respect, the default
key to navigating those spaces always tends to be via a white man. So, it's
safe to surmise that those attributes play a role in making rich, white men the
likeliest choice for young women looking for sugar daddies.
Despite the racial hurdles, sexism, and excess foolery,
seasoned Black sugar babies will downplay the anti-black sentiments they
navigate and remain steadfast about stressing the importance of being undaunted
by rejection; which seems easier said than done for novice players who're
struggling to find 'sugar' in small towns that aren't as metropolitan and open
as New York, Boston, or Atlanta; and who find zero luck with the sugar daddy
hustle because they're constantly expected to overextend themselves and debunk
erroneous tropes about black women, to endear themselves to rich white
men who may just be looking for a free one-off with a black, female body.
Being a sugar baby isn’t for everyone, and some people find the lifestyle cringe-worthy… most of the ire is usually (unfairly)
directed solely at women as opposed to much older men who peruse sites for
women not even a third of their age.
It’s a complicated and carefully orchestrated Adagio dance
many of us won’t fully understand unless we're immersed in the culture
ourselves. And quite honestly, the social mores of those of us observing from
the outside, don’t trump what two consenting adults choose to do with their
social and sex lives. Granted, this is a different era complete with
21st-century tricks, but this concept of well-established men looking after younger
women isn't new.
As for my exploration outside the perimeter of the sugar
bowl, I observe judgment-free, as a curious onlooker who’s always wondered how
the Black women who ride this wave, fare. But I imagine, for many, being a
sugar baby or a kept girlfriend won't always be a sustainable lifestyle, and
will eventually wear thin. My hope is that, however long they choose to use this as a way to stay afloat, they stay safe, and don’t sacrifice who or what they are to pacify abuse – (the price of riches at someone else's expense can be too high), and when it's all said and done they've invested and saved wisely and have something substantive to show for it besides feelings of dejection, Christian Louboutin heels, and Céline handbags.
*This post has been updated with a more recent video.
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READ: "Rage Farming: Soft Life Edition," currently available on Patreon for members or one-time purchase
7 comments
Could you help me with referrals? Ebonymalveaux@gmail.come
@Ebonurane: Not sure what you mean by "referrals". I'm a writer, who simply researched and wrote about an interesting topic. I don't have any information beyond what I wrote here. -Best, Tiff
Thanx for replying .. I thought you knew some sd... Lol
Full-disclosure: I wish. Lol. ;-)
You wrote: "And the golden rule of thumb seems to be: to never sell themselves short or entertain the advances of what’s known as a ‘Salt Daddy’ or 'Spenda Daddy’– men who don’t have the resources, charm, or influence to spoil the objects of their affection, but will play their hand anyway".
I have been on the most popular Sugar Daddy site, and I have had experience with 3 different ladies in an SB/SD arrangement.
Bottom line is that there are too many women on these sites who have very unrealistic expectations that do NOT match with reality. And certainly blog posts like this one will contribute to these unrealistic expectations. The truth is that there are very, very few men on these sites who can afford to pay an allowance above $1,000 / month, while most sugar babies are seeking a minimum of $2,000 / month. The allowance I paid was in the $1,600 / month range, which is above the average allowance that Sugar Daddies typically offer, and I was able to have arrangements with 3 very good looking young ladies.
"And certainly blog posts like this one will contribute to these unrealistic expectations"
Um, no. Particularly since the purpose of this post isn't to endorse or shame Sugar relationships; and I (a writer who did research) merely recounted the general consensus among those young women who seemed adept at negotiating and not being taken advantage of.
Also, this post was meant to highlight the experiences of young *Black* women and sex workers, who're often low-balled or not considered worthy enough because, well, they're *Black*, and are therefore expected to be grateful, notwithstanding the extremely low offers and abuse they receive.
Look, the assumption is, that any man or woman entering a Sugar relationship as the benefactor is expected to meet certain financial and lifestyle requirements in exchange for companionship, with a relatively attractive young woman (or man); I don't understand men (or women) who sign up for these Sugar sites presumably because they can afford to and *know* what to expect, balking at having to pay more than they can afford. Why bother? And that's a genuine question.
I have been using a black sugar babies site for more than half a year. The problem with the above premise seems to be that if you know what a sugar daddy is you shouldn't balk at the high $ amounts requested but the issue to me is this. Almost everyone has a pipe dream or a running fantasy line in there heads. AND as the previous gentleman said most are unrealistic and unwordly. Service values are created based on the perceived value of the service. Far too many young black women are just fantasizing about their companionship value. Most of the women with the breeding to merit a $2000 + monthly stipend can and will probably get something close to that in time if they work it + they can wait. But the overwhelming majority are immature, greedy , not classy, overweight, ego maniacal , ignorant dreamers.
Those young women need to Stop asking for $1000 for a one night stand.
They could actually get somewhere if they got there heads out of the clouds and found ongoing friends with benefits relationships with responsible older men for much, much less, accept the hard truth and work to better themselves with realistic long range plans. Most of you need to look at it like a job, be reasonable and get more frequent work because your realistic and not a dreamer
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